Today's writing: rage haiku about my dishwasher

I am a fan of a strongly worded letter. This is one I've wanted to write a long time, to the CEO of GE, a company that does its best to avoid paying taxes and also seems to do its best to design dishwashers designed to be replaced shortly after purchase.

Jeff Immelt
CEO, General Electric
General Electric Company
3135 Easton Turnpike, Fairfield, CT 06828
(203) 373-2211

 

Dear Mr. Immelt:

I am writing to you just before 6 AM on a Tuesday. I am one of your customers—probably a pretty typical one. A married mom of two kids with a job and other responsibilities. I get up by 5 AM to make sure everything gets taken care of. Unloading the dishwasher is almost always my first chore. About the early hour or the workload, I have no complaints.

About my GE dishwasher, I could write a medium-sized volume of rage haiku, especially since I just spent forty-five minutes dismantling the spray arms to do my best at removing the small particles of food that get lodged there every single day.  These are designed cheaply and in such a way that they can’t actually be cleaned.

Let me share just a few of the rage haikus I have composed this morning, thinking of you and your executives who have probably NEVER loaded or unloaded a dishwasher, and who probably rarely handle a dirty dish after you’ve passed it for someone else to manage:

It is moronic

To design a dishwasher

That traps particles

What makes it all worse

Is that I can’t take apart

The stupid spray arms

I replaced them once

I also had a pro try

It cost me a ton

And it didn’t work

Excuse me while I censor

A stream of foul words

 

One shred of pasta

Means the flow of water stops

Dishes don’t get washed

 

Here’s a dishwasher

That can’t clean a dirty dish

Clean dishes only

I am not so dumb

As to buy one from GE

You don’t test your stuff

 

It’s hard to imagine a lousier product. A dishwasher that can only clean dishes that have been rinsed of every particle--especially the small ones, which will block the spray arms--is like a car that can only get you ten percent of the total distance you’re trying to drive. It’s like a book with only the first chapter. It’s a telephone without an earpiece or number pad. In short, it’s a waste of all the labor and materials that went into it, which is a foul thing to contemplate in a planet on the edge of ruin.

Here’s the thing, Mr. Immelt. This wasn’t an inexpensive purchase. A similar one at Sears is about $750, and I seem to recall this particular one cost a bit more than that. Since I’ve bought it just a few years ago, I’ve put $300 into fixing it, which makes about twenty-five cents for each time I’ve wanted to take a sledgehammer to this box of frustration and woe.

Its model number is PDW8280N005, if you’re curious. You might consider how many people own this particular monstrosity, which seems designed to fail. That’s how many families have mornings like mine and dream of the day the dishwasher is pulled out like a rotten tooth and replaced with something more effective. Like hamsters with tiny skates made of sponges.

Yours truly,

Martha

A DEVINE INTERVENTION review I loved

It's always nice to find a review of your book with a headline like this: "A Heavenly Debut That Will Inspire You and Make You Laugh Out Loud."

I did apparently gross out the reviewer. This is after my editor asked me to take out a puking scene (he has told me that he will never find barf to be funny, but I haven't given up hope).

Here's the thing. My dad was a doctor and my mom was a nurse, and the things we talked about over dinner were routinely so sick that it broke my gross-o-meter. For this and all my future sins, I apologize.

To read the rest of the review, stop by FreshFiction.com.

In which I visit Las Vegas

For the next couple of months I'm on a book tour with my friends Cat Patrick, Sean Beaudoin and Kevin Emerson. We're calling the tour You Are Next, and we're going all over the West Coast. Check out my Events page for more details--I'd love to see you!

Meanwhile, Las Vegas.

I'd never been. I'm not a gambler at heart. Nor have I attended a bunch of wild'n'crazy bachelorette parties (though there was the one where we gave away stripper tilt pens and almost caused a family scandal).

That said, I was beyond excited to visit Spring Valley High School and the YAllapalooza Book Festival at Centennial Hills library, and the weekend was one of those rare times when the real experience beats out the expectations.

The trip started off a bit rough. When we were waiting in the airport lobby, a group of half-dozen or so birthday party revelers let us all know they were drunk, loud, and eager to make the flight feel like Animal House on wings.

My seat happened to be directly behind them, and they were so very loud I considered taking my Sharpie out of my bag and drawing eyeballs on the bald head of the guy in front of me, who wore a Seymour Titties T-shirt. I restrained myself, though. That's my book-signing pen, after all.

We arrived in one piece with intact eardrums, and soon after were at our hotel.

The view from my window. Nice!

The next day, we were up early to meet two groups of great readers from Spring Valley High School.

Sean Beaudoin, me, Cat Patrick, and Kevin Emerson (plus our coffees)And here we are, in the library!

The students here had excellent questions about writing, and many of them were writers themselves (including one self-described Bad Poet. I REALLY want to read his work.)

The next day we headed off to the Centennial Hills Library for YAllapallooza, where the You Are Next crew and a bunch of other authors, including Lindsey Leavitt, Suzanne Young, Tera Lynn Childs, and Nancy This is me and Rachel. Hi, Rachel!Holder met with readers, answered questions, handed out PEZ, and signed books.

We did take time out for an impromptu photo shoot with Cat Patrick and Suzanne Young, who have a new book together called JUST LIKE FATE. I made them do all sorts of things--"lie on the ground!" "think about tumbleweeds"--but in the end, this turned out to be our favorite photo.

Cat Patrick and Suzanne Young, authors of JUST LIKE FATE

I had some great conversations with readers and librarians, a surprising number of which involved "Dr. Who," which has been a hit around my house for ages. And I can't wait to go back. Thank you, Las Vegas!

My kids at Comicon, dressed as a Dalek and Dr. Who

And here's a huge thanks to Crystal Perkins, Barnes & Noble, and the Centennial Hills Library.