What we're teaching our kids
Saturday, October 16, 2010 at 09:25AM I read an interesting question on Facebook yesterday: Do you make your kids go to playdates and birthday parties when they don't want to go?
I was shocked at what the moms, for the most part, replied. The gist: No. They don't make their kids go. Why would they make their kids do something they didn't want to? Kids have relatively little choice about how they spend their time, so this is where they get to choose. And so on.
That sounds reasonable, right? Of course--until you stop and think about the other child.
There are kids out there who want and need friends. They reach out and invite children over. And no one says yes. There are kids who invite the whole class to birthday parties. One or two kids show up. How are those children supposed to feel? And how are their parents supposed to feel?
It's devastating, let me tell you.
Here's how social dynamics often work with children. The group wonders if so-and-so eats weird food for lunch. A powerful child comments on it. Everyone else piles on, hoping to curry favor with the popular child. Pretty soon, the kid with the "weird" lunch is sitting alone at recess, counting down the minutes until it's over.
It can happen over anything. A child doesn't wear the right shoes. His voice is too loud. Her teeth look funny. He likes things that girls like. Pick a difference, any difference.
With one of my children, the powerful girl in their group of four friends convinced the others--in second grade--to ditch my daughter at recess. They told her they weren't playing together, and that she could just go off into another corner of the playground.
"They said it with smiles on their faces," my daughter, then seven, told me.
That night, I invited the ringleader of that cruelty exercise over to a playdate. I wanted to watch how she and my daughter interacted, to see if there was anything I could help my daughter manage better. I also wanted to show her how fun, funny, and creative my child is. I wanted to support what could have been a friendship.
The mother said no. "It's complicated," she said. "I'm sure you understand."
I do understand that these things are complicated. I understand that not all children will want to play together at first. But learning to get along with others, to find what is interesting and special about each person, is a fundamental life skill. Being kind to others is absolutely vital.
And it makes me sick that so many mothers are giving their child the choice to opt out of kindness. They are wrong. Terribly wrong. This is why there is so much unkindness at school, and so much bullying. We are giving our kids the choice to reject other people.
If you want your kids to have more choices, take them to the library or bookstore and tell them they can read whatever they want. Let them choose what the family is having for dinner. Let them help prepare it. Let them choose which person they're going to be kind to.
But for crying out loud, don't make it seem like rejecting another child's friendly overtures is some sort of noble or enlightened choice. It's not. It's mean and selfish. Unless there are safety issues, it's a way to send a message to your child that you don't have to care about anyone unless it's an easy thing for you to do.
Loving other people isn't always easy. But if we don't teach our kids how to love--or at least respect--their fellow human beings when they are small, they will never learn this.
If you want to create a world where kindness is the rule, this is a good place to start. I have a much better understanding, though, of why the playground has turned into such a difficult place for so many children. We parents are letting this happen.
I love my girl
This is the face of a child who's been rejected. This is the girl who told her sister this week, "My soul is broken."
As beautiful as the face is, her heart is even more beautiful. She would give you the last dollar in her piggy bank if she thought you needed it.
The kids who exclude her and say unkind things are missing out on a great deal. They're also enabled by their parents.
I know we're all doing our best here, and that balancing a job and family and all those other things is difficult. On this, though, I hope people rethink their knee-jerk response.
Don't make it easy for your children to be unkind. Inspire them to look below the surface and discover something lovable about someone who challenges them. Teach them to be the kids who make the world a safer, gentler place for others. If this is what we want the future to be, it's our job to make that happen.
martha brockenbrough
I just wanted to thank everyone for reading and commenting. I deeply appreciate the time, honesty, and support.
Reader Comments (45)
Merilee, I don't have a son, but I think there might be different dynamics for boys and girls--at least to a certain extent. Girls seem to want to consolidate power, and often, they pick a sacrificial lamb to use for this. Not only does the lamb give them something to unify the others around (did you *see* what she was *wearing*?), but she also serves as a warning to anyone who would step out of control.
We do have to socialize our children and it's harder when parents don't seem to agree on the basic value of being kind to other children, even when you don't want to--and even when it might cost you socially (or more likely, when you perceive it will).
This is why popularity can be such a toxic aspiration. It's nice to be liked, of course. But when the fear of being disliked causes you to reject the unpopular kids or distance yourself from them, and when it causes you to do things you otherwise wouldn't, it's a problem. It's also a problem when you abandon things you love or aspects of your personality just to fit in. It's important for people to follow social norms, of course. But it doesn't mean we have to turn into clones, and that's what seems to happen to little girls.
When we expect our kids to be kind, no matter what, we give them something else to think about besides their own social status. I've never regretted being kind to anyone. I have regretted the times I wasn't.
You're definitely right about the social structure being different with boys. My son did get teased some when he was little - he was a "chunky" kid - be never to the extent I saw with my daughter. Girls are merciless in their meanness.
All we can do as parents is fight back to the best of our abilities. I found going outside our school for a social network to be very successful with my daughter. And I guess it worked. She's a college-boumd senior, straight A student with a strong circle of friends and a fabulous sense of self. I've had adults tell me they wished THEY were that comfortable in their own skin at 17. The mean girls can be fought...but it ain't easy!
AMEN, sister. I was often teased growing up, so when someone else was, for once, the target, I did nothing to help. I was just relieved it wasn't me for a change. I never helped defend someone, even though I knew all too well how painful what they were experiencing could be.
I seriously regret things like that. I wish I'd been a better person in that way, even at age 10. *sigh*
I don't have children, but if/when I do, I hope I remember your advice. Kids can be so cruel...but their capacity for kindness and compassion is also often the greatest it can ever be in their lives. Adults in parenting or mentoring roles should definitely help them cultivate these virtues before too many walls/prejudices get in the way.
Anyway. Thank you for this post. :)
Liz, how horrible that you had such a disappointing birthday. And I know what you mean about those labels. I think it is how kids make sense of the world, but no one likes to be limited to a label applied by others. Even if it's a good label. You'll make an excellent teacher, no doubt. The most important things people learn in the classroom are how to get along with others, and how to keep believing in yourself even in difficult times. You'll teach that well.
I was shy and moved a lot as a kid, and I've always been slow to make friends, so it was always exciting to me when somebody invited the whole class to their birthday party. It meant I was invited.
In our family, we follow the rule of staying with the first invitation we accept, even if a 'better' invitation comes along. We think that this rule teaches our children something important about being responsible to others and keeping ones word, because to do otherwise is just plain selfish.
Also, there was just an article in the NY Times about bullying among young children.
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/10/10/fashion/10Cultural.html?_r=1&scp=6&sq=bullying&st=cse
What's baffling is that she is very socially aware and astute, she cares a lot about people and animals and goes out of her way to help a friend! I cannot understand this dichotomy in one child! I've had many conversations with her about it but it seems to still be a problem. I sometimes wonder if being an only child has something to do with it. What's sad is she doesn't realize that's probably why there aren't too many offers for playdates and her requests get turned down often. I'm at a loss and wish I knew how to help her be a better friend, a better person.
We need to remind them to "wear the shoes" of others when they have been rejected or "teased" (feel empathy), and how being nice is a responsibility we are all accountable for. --Certainly we need to put a STOP when our daughters are mean, and we also need to help them be confident and build their self-esteem so they don't feel so bad when they are the target.
The teacher of my daughter told me, "it is a girl's thing"... well, I think it is also a parents thing. We know better, and we need to make things right for our daughters. I shared the article with her, and I posted it in my FB.
Thank you for the article, and for all the comments in your blog! They are great!
It’s like berating a child for being overweight and then giving her Twinkles and Coke for lunch.
I hear things come out of young girls’ mouths that is not native to the 8 year old brain. It’s coming right out of the media we encourage them to consume and they are simply not old enough to appreciate the hurtful and disrespectful power it carries.
Can't we all stop and examine what mixed messages we might be sending our girls through the media we allow them to absorb before we simply ask them to be nice?
But "better" does not equal "easier." In fact, by making your child's life easier, allowing him/her to opt out of awkward situations, making sure he/she never has to walk too far, etc., we're making their lives worse, not better.
Hardships, uncomfortableness, boredom, difficulty - these things (in safe measure) are things to be experienced and dealt with, not avoided. Children need to understand (repeatedly) that actions (or inactions), be they good or bad, do have consequences. They need to learn by experience while the "cost" of those experiences is still very cheap. The cost of mistreating friends, neglecting duties, or devaluing prized possesions is far, far greater - and the learning even more painful - if kids don't experience those self-taught lessons early on.
Forcing, or even just strongly suggesting, your kid play with someone else or go to a party they don't want to go to only increases the "otherness" of the kid. I eventually found friends who liked me for me, not because they were forced to pretend, and before that happened I was much happier playing on my own, with my siblings, or with the kids down the street who went to a different school.
Childhood wasn't gentle for my siblings and me. But we had a much easier time handling it when the tough bits weren't glossed over. And a second- or third-grader trying to hide her contempt for me was about as poorly glossed as one could get.